The One Where Miranda Hates A (ex) Liberal.

 Don't fret dear readers, the HCQ lives (though it does appear to be on life support) and we haven't forgotten you. 

Column.  

You had to feel for Marcia Langton on ABC TV's Q&A panel this week, stuck between two men so terminally pompous, out of touch and in love with the sound of their own voices you felt at times they might fall stiffly off their chairs and writhe on the ground in private ecstasy.

You have to feel for SMH readers, twice a week your dribble causes them to fall from their chairs, writhing in pain.

Malcolm Fraser and Peter Carey, fresh from the Sydney Writers' Festival, are the sorts of self-styled intellectuals who give thinking a bad name.

Miranda Devine, journalism, bad name. You see where I'm going here.

Now comes news that Fraser formally quit the Liberal Party in December because it's too conservative for him. The former prime minister quit in spirit a long time ago. He seems eaten up with the need to settle old scores and be proved right on every little point, a sad state to be in at the age of 80.

And he's probably right, unlike the current Liberal party, Fraser didn't paint refugees as an invading horde of heathens intent on destroying our way of life. Nor was he an advocate of free market policies, both of which seem to now be the core of the unfortunate group of people that make up the Coalition.

He has always gone out of his way to malign and belittle John Howard, his one-time treasurer who well and truly eclipsed him in the PM stakes. How it must have rankled that some half-deaf nerd from Canterbury Boys' High could best him

Or, he thought John Howard was a terrible PM. 

He showed himself on Monday night to be no better a friend to Tony Abbott

Perhaps because Mr Abbott is the reincarnation of John Howard?

Better yet was his confident claim that the British and American governments knew Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction and the Howard government, if it didn't know, "should have".

He's obviously been reading too much Green Left Weekly, or perhaps he gets his history from the Hollywood conspiracy genre of Green Zone. Even the host, Tony Jones, didn't pursue this fruitcake line.

That truly is a fruitcake line. Is Fraser seriously suggesting that before entering a war, the then Government should have used it's intelligence sources to independently verify the reason for said war? Lock that man up, I mean it's not as if the reason turned out to be fake...

While spruiking his memoirs earlier this year, Fraser denied that he had become a leftie, insisting he had not changed but the Liberal Party had lurched to the right.

Haven't we been over this already, or is it just that all of Miranda's dribble just melds into one mind numbing lump?

The odd thing is that he would have done a lot more damage to conservatives if he'd remained in their ranks. Instead, he's turned into the crabby old Muppet Statler, harmlessly heckling the rest of the cast from his balcony seat.

That may be true Ms Devine, but at least he's doing it at the age of 80, rather than in his 40's or 50's like some people. 

The One Where Miranda Confesses Her Undying Love For Malcolm Turnbull

Everyone knows that Miranda Devine is fond of any Coalition member, but her worship of Malcolm Turnbull is bordering on scary.

Column: A worthy assignment for Turnbull - saviour of NSW. 

The NSW Opposition Leader has been mighty magnanimous in offering to embrace Malcolm Turnbull "with open arms" to state politics.


By magnanimous, do you mean stupid? Why would Barry O'Farrell, a man who never seems to do anything want a well known, power hungry person like Turnbull anywhere near state politics?


He could enter state parliament via a byelection by July, giving him nine months before the election.


That's exactly what NSW residents want, more changes in political leaders. Seriously, can we just have two leaders contest an election based around releasing constructive policy rather than having a new leader every full moon?


Debnam ran unsuccessfully for premier in a campaign memorable only for his budgie smugglers, and doesn't have many prospects.


Debnam is to politics as Devine is to journalism.


If he were premier he could work on his pet projects of the republic and an emissions trading scheme in NSW.


I think Miranda Devine is confused. NSW is a state of, not a separate country from Australia, so working on a republic movement would be a little silly. As for the working on a an emissions trading scheme, I think Mr Turnbull might be a little gun shy on trying to introduce the kind of policy which lost him the lead of the federal opposition.


Far from being a job beneath his talents, he would have a far greater impact on the nation by fixing the NSW basket case.


Of course, everybody knows that the Premier of NSW is the countries most powerful person, as we speak Kristina Keneally is unifying North and South Korea.


It could be the experimental laboratory for his grand plans and visions and boundless energy.


Yeah, great idea. Here we have the most populated state in Australia with the biggest state economy which is currently falling apart, so rather than having a leader with a plan to get us out of this mess we'll let Malcolm use it as his private plaything.


He could create Sydney in his own image, with reforms to state finances, public transport, power generation, taxes, property development, and greenness. 


I know this might come as a shock Miranda, but NSW stretches past the outskirts of Sydney.


He could build museums, art galleries, roads and rail.


He's faster than a speeding bullet, he can leap tall buildings with a single bound. What? I thought with all the hyperbole this article was about Superman.


Just by being Malcolm, he would attract new talent and investment to the state and get sullen business on board. As the state began to shine, we would worship at his feet.



And children would sing his name with admiration in their hearts, animals would do his bidding, when Malcolm cries it rains. For He is Turnbull and He is all powerful.


The bipartisanship he was so good at would serve him well, as Kevin Rudd would be happy to lavish largesse on an invigorated NSW government cranking up the engine of the national economy.


The kind of bipartisanship that involves using fake emails as a means to force the Prime Minister out of power? I'm sure Kevin Rudd would be happy to give him anything after that. 
"What's that Malcolm, you want my first born? No worries, he's all yours."


Turnbull would singlehandedly raise the prestige of state governments around the country, restoring the federation to its rightful place.



How exactly? The one thing Turnbull will be remembered for is "Utegate," an affair where prestige was left by the wayside.


At worst, he would be remembered as the saviour of Australia's most important state. At best, he could achieve his lifelong ambition of becoming prime minister, having spent the barest time languishing in opposition, for which he's constitutionally unsuited.



Firstly, I'm still waiting for any proof of how Malcolm Turnbull could save NSW. Secondly, are the Coalition going to welcome him back after working out when the going got tough?


He and his wife Lucy would have fun creating their own little Camelot in the Emerald City he loves, his lifestyle would barely change and the commute to Macquarie Street would be a pleasure.



MALCOLM TURNBULL DOES NOT FUCKING OWN SYDNEY!!!


The same insider, however, agrees that if Turnbull were to become leader, the opposition "would be so far out in front, daylight would run second''.



Jack the Ripper, running on a policy of two free murders for each person could beat the incumbent NSW government.


All that remains is a groundswell of public opinion to appeal to Turnbull's natural civic mindedness. But, so far, the Facebook page "Malcolm Turnbull for NSW premier" has only nine fans.



There is no groundswell. Nothing more needs to be said.

Lewis Hamilton Shall Now Be Known As Hurricane Hamilton.

Can you hear the stupidity in the air? Can you smell the ignorance on the wind? You can? Then it must be Thursday, and you all know what that means.

Column: Snarl, you're on nanny camera: a cynical lurk to drive us crazy.

Don't Melbourne police have worse people to arrest than the formula one driver Lewis Hamilton? 


Not matter the what the crime, there is always somebody worse to arrest. That person? Miranda Devine.

His "crime" was to smoke his tyres while doing a bit of a fishtail as he left the grand prix circuit at Albert Park.

It may seem insignificant but what Hamilton did was still illegal. If there had been somebody on the other side of the street tossing hand grenades around willy nilly and the police decided to arrest the bloke doing a burnout instead,  then I'd be a little concerned. 

But detaining him? Impounding his Mercedes C63? Charging him with "improper use of a motor vehicle" by "deliberately losing traction"? What a joke.

No, if all that had happened and the Ashton Kutcher had run out and said "You got Punk'd," that would be a joke. 

Hamilton is one of the safest, most skilled drivers in the world.

Miranda Devine would like to propose a new system of law. Each person in Australia is granted an area of expertise for which they are permitted to perform illegal acts without being charged. 

Lewis Hamilton has driving, I'll take punching Miranda Devine as mine.

So now, instead of a handful of onlookers seeing Hamilton's antics, the whole world knows, vastly increasing the number of copycat admirers, if that's the concern. You may as well arrest the entire cast of Top Gear.

Actually the latest episode of Top Gear to screen in Australia featured it's host being pulled over twice by police in America. So don't worry Miranda, it's not only Australia that punishes people for driving illegally. 

The latest attempt to hammer NSW's beleaguered drivers into submission is the introduction in July of mobile speed cameras operated by the Roads and Traffic Authority with the usual ruthless efficiency government instrumentalities reserve solely for revenue raising.

Miranda, get a new routine we all know you hate speed cameras with an unrivaled passion, but they're not the hardest things to avoid, I'll even talk you through it. Look out the car window, see the signs with the red circle and black numbers? Now remember that number and look at the speedo, when the needle on your speedo reaches the same number as what was on that sign, you are doing the speed limit. If the needle goes any higher than that number you are speeding.

Pretty simple isn't it?

We are heading into another double-demerit Easter in which driving 11km/h over the speed limit or not wearing a seatbelt will lose you six points a piece. Do both at once and you've lost your licence.

And the problem with this is? It's not as if we aren't warned when it double demerit points, and if you're stupid enough not to wear a seatbelt while speeding then you don't deserve a licence.

In December, the RTA even dropped the speed limit on the Newell Highway from 110km/h in places to 100km/h, prompting the NRMA's regional director, Graham Blight, to claim it was part of a hidden agenda to drop the limit across NSW to 90km/h.

The speed limit on one highway dropped, of course it's a precursor to state wide change. The pub I work in recently raised beer prices to $4 a schooner, you know what that means then? That's right, state wide price fixing by all licensed premises.

Police have been largely cut out of traffic enforcement by technology and have lost any discretion to apply the sort of commonsense which makes our roads safe - the sort of discretion which would have given Lewis Hamilton a slap on the wrist rather than create an international incident.

You don't want it to be a huge incident? Stop writing about it. All the police did was book somebody who did something illegal, the media who reported it made it into an international incident.

Of course, as we get into our cars this Easter we need to take road safety seriously, especially on slippery roads. But driving safely means being competent behind the wheel, and paying attention to the road conditions, not making the speedometer your priority.

That pesky speedo, sticking to the speed limit only makes you late. You know what also makes you late? Stop signs and red lights, so ignore them too.

Miranda Goes After Worms, Looks Like It's Spineless vs Spineless This Week.

Is it really Thursday already? Well then you know what that means, so let get into "Fun With Miranda Devine."

Column: "A Worm To Make You Squirm"

The worm is a moron. Channel Nine host Tracy Grimshaw ought to apply an IQ test to her audience of "undecided" voters before she gives them a licence to press buttons.


You are a moron. The Sydney Morning Herald should apply an IQ test to it's "journalists" before they are allowed to pollute it's pages with utter nonsense.


Since they were paid $50 each, you'd have thought the "wormologists" would pay attention during the leaders' health debate at the National Press Club. Instead, their combined wisdom produced the sort of reflex reactions you might see from a slobbering toddler.



Since you are paid what is probably a rather handsome sum for the 1000 odd words you write each week, I think you should pay attention to the world before before producing the sort of writing you might see from a certified idiot.


The wiggling line across the bottom of the screen reacted the same way to all Kevin Rudd's sunny platitudes: "more beds"


You heard it hear first people, the idea of more hospitals beds is a mere platitude.


"It's time for action, not finger-pointing" didn't score a cynical snort, but a worm in ecstasy.



Perhaps, and just perhaps that's because it's a step forward? 


But when the Opposition Leader, Tony Abbott, appeared on screen, the worm plunged. The more he talked, the lower the worm fell.



Miranda, it's called experience. Eleven years of reading the SMH has taught me that with out fail every Thursday you will assault me with stupidity, just like the 16 years of Tony Abbott's career as an MP has taught us that when he opens his mouth, something stupid will come out.


And when he talked of pink batts, school halls, "rip-off after rip-off","waffle", ''amateur-hour experimentation", "anyone can list problems; the hard part is solving them", the worm maintained a sullen decline


Maybe because this is nothing more than tired, out dated negative orientated politics that everyone is sick of?


The worm awarded Rudd victory, as did almost every pundit, while most newspaper reader polls went the opposite way. 


I know in your fantasy land everyone agrees with you, but we in reality realise people have differing opinions.


In the first Kennedy-Nixon presidential televised debate in 1960, the verdict of those who listened on radio was: Nixon won. But for TV viewers, it was a hands-down Kennedy victory.



Good to know, though any chance you could find an example from Australian politics within the last decade to support your argument?


Regardless of whether the worm genuinely reflected the wider audience's view, the only thing that matters is what the government's health reforms will mean, if anything.


Then why did you write about it for the first half of your article? You don't bury the lead, any journalist knows that. Oh, wait...


The debate may have been a way for Labor strategists to pressure a newly threatening opposition to present its health policies prematurely... But without an election in sight, and with a government adept at spin without substance, this ignores the importance of subjecting Rudd's hospital reforms to scrutiny, which is, after all, the job of an opposition.

Scrutiny is all well and good, but the role of an opposition is also to present alternative policy. This shouldn't be left until a month out from an election as a means to buy votes. It's only fair that if you're going to criticise then you should come out with a viable alternative.


 when I sliced the top off my thumb recently, and my GP sent me to the emergency room, one of Australia's top hand surgeons happened to be on duty. She wanted to operate and I waited, but there was no bed and so my thumb was stuck back together and I went home.


But, Miranda remember more beds is just a "mere platitude."


Doctors who work in the NSW public system are not allowed to speak freely, but I could see this surgeon was locked into an absurd circus in which she sees patients in emergency, prepares to operate on the ones who need it, tells them to fast and wait, only to find there are no beds.

So wait, this doctor isn't allowed to speak to you, but you came to this conclusion anyway? Oh wait, I forgot your skills as a body language expert allowed you to formulate this opinion based on her facial expressions. 
What's that, you're not a body language expert? Then how, oh never mind your explanation will just worsen this headache.

Without surgery I now have a thumb that looks relatively normal, but is numb. I wouldn't have minded a free operation for a better result but how much would I have been willing to pay from my own pocket? Not too much.

It took an elderly caller to 2GB's Jason Morrison this week to bring commonsense into the health debate. Jack, a retired surgeon, cited an adage about socialised medicine. "There are three things you want in a medical system: cost control; universal access; and provision of a full range of medical services."

But only two of these things can be achieved simultaneously. Currently, we have the first two.

The essential problem with giving away something so valuable as healthcare for nothing is it creates infinite demand which is impossible to satisfy.

Now I'm just confused. You say you aren't willing to pay "too much" to have your thumb fixed, but you don't think socialised medicine which would give you the operation for free is the way to go?

This is something the worm doesn't want to hear but which responsible political leaders need to say.

Nothing you have written is remotely close to what the public wants to read, nor did you need to write it.

For Once Someone Will Have Fun Reading Miranda Devine.

Anybody who has ever visited Kissing Suzy Kolber would be familiar with the sites weekly "Fun With Peter King" feature, where Sports Illustrated columnist Peter King's "Monday Morning Quarterback" column is dissected.

So without any further ado, here is "Fun With Miranda Devine."

Column: "Abbott's Sledging Cuts To Finer Points Of Debate"

Once rivalling Bob Hawke as Australia's most popular prime minister, Rudd's voter satisfaction has fallen from a high of 74 per cent last year to a new low of 48 per cent.

He is now neck and neck with the Opposition Leader, Tony Abbott, on 47 per cent.

Well why do we even need an election? People I present to you Australia's 27th Prime Minister, Tony Abbott.

Who cares if Kevin Rudd is still the preferred PM by 55% of the polls respondents, or the the fact that Labor still holds a lead on the two party preferred basis.

But the "Authentic Mr Abbott", as the ABC's Four Corners dubbed him this week, has had a remarkable run since taking over the Coalition reins.

And what a great run it's been, I mean he's already offended almost the entire female and indigenous populations. 

His success is reflected less in his own popularity than in the lethal effect he has had on Rudd.

The fact that Rudd is above Abbott in every poll is inconsequential, elections aren't like a big popularity contest.

 Abbott's epithets for Rudd such as "Prime Minister Blah Blah" and "All talk, no action" have had more cut-through than any number of debates about the fine points of economic stimulus or carbon trading.

What, does Tony Abbott get his insults from Ke$ha? Don't worry Australia, Tony Abbott may not understand the finer points of the economy or environment but he can insult with the best of them!!!

"Climate Change, you're a poo head."

And then, in what has been dubbed Rudd's Latham moment, voters saw for themselves last Friday a side of the Prime Minister that belies his "aw shucks" Milky Bar kid persona, and which suddenly gelled with all the stories about temper tantrums, hair dryers and how he made a young female RAAF flight attendant cry when she brought him a disagreeable meal.

When he starts an illegal war, call me.

As Kristina Keneally, a civil and attractive woman still on her training wheels, tried to engage him in polite routine conversation for the benefit of the whirring cameras, Rudd pointedly ignored her.

It's the NSW government, if I was Kevin Rudd, I wouldn't want my fingerprints anywhere near that train wreck.

Treating any woman with such withering contempt would be bad manners but treating a woman as well-liked and unthreatening as Keneally was beyond the pale.

Couldn't Kevin have had the good manners just to swear at her, like real politicians do?

There was more information in the subtle play of body language between the two politicians in the video footage which has been running all week than can be readily explained, but it will haunt him until election day.

Forget about policy, if you want to stay in office don't blow of a puppet Premier who'll will be voted out at the earliest opportunity.

Yet, despite his creditable performance in the short time he has been leader, Abbott, like his mentor Howard, isn't feeling the love of everyone at the top end of his party.

I'm going out on a limb here, but maybe it's because he makes huge policy announcements with out consulting the his cabinet? 

it seems Abbott is on track to win over the people he really needs to have on side if he is to do well at the next election - the middle class mortgage belt, aka "working families".

Of course he is, do you know why? No big, new taxes .